chloek310

In an earlier entry, I mentioned how easy school was for me. And how I'm easily pulling straight A's. Or basically straight A's. That was then. And now, school is almost hard for me. I mean, I used to understand math. I've always thought mathematically. But every since Algebra II, I just don't get it anymore. There's tons and tons of equations you have to memorize. And I don't study. Ever. I haven't studied since like 4th grade. Maybe not even in 4th grade. I just don't do it. Not even for the Regents. Anyways, as I was saying. Math is not my subject anymore (although I think I'm going to switch into Pre-Calc next semester).

Also, English was never my subject, but I usually managed to pull high 90's in there. Last year I got a 100 on a  research report, about stem cell research. To be honest, I don't know one damn thing about stem cell research, even after I wrote the report and took the pages and pages of notes. And I almost always got hundreds on my essays too. But ever since this year, I've been doing terrible in English. It's not that I'm not writing good, it's just that my teacher grades impossibly hard. Now a days, I'm lucky if I get a 75. Harsh much? It also doesn't help that we dont get along. Like we fight with eachother in the middle of class.

Speaking of teachers I don't get along with. Hmmmm. Can I say orchestra? We fight on a daily basis. One day I guess I "ignored her" about my late pass and she decides to rip me backwards by the handle on my backpack. I could've gotten whiplash! Haha. No, it wasn't that bad, but still. She's sent us to the hall more than once. And did I mention that she sent a letter home? No, mother did not like that. At all. And things aren't improving like I promised they would. But you know what. I've had this same teacher since 5th grade! What else can you expect? Thats 7 years of the same teacher.

One more thing to add to my failure list: I.S.S. Or better known by the parents as In School Suspension. I swear that place is like jail. They stick you in a cubicle made of unsanded wood with a desk that is no wider that standard text book. Not to mention, that this jail cell is covered in carvings of the word "weed" or "cotton mouth kings". Oh and the doodles on these jail cells. I'll let you figure out what these imaginative pictures look like. So anyways, every block you get a new teacher who supervises. The first teacher just happens to be my Algebra II teacher. Also the head of National Honor Society. Which I had been trying my hardest to get into. Oh yes, that was a pleasant surprise. The rest of the teachers weren't so bad. Except for the fact that they like to gossip. I still get smart-ass remarks from teachers.  This happened because I came forth and confessed. They all said I showed "GOOD CHARACTER". I apologized and thanked them for my punishment, seeing as it has been decreased to ISS instead of OSS (Out of School Suspension). I cried and cried. In front of the guidance counselor, the vice-principal, and my coach. I wrote an apology note. The vice-principal said he'd talk to my Algebra II teacher (head of Honor Society) to make sure this wouldn't conflict with whether I would be accepted or not. He promised.

I didn't make it into Honor Society. My Algebra II teacher told me personally. Along with my future chemistry teacher. Way to make a first impression huh? And the only reason I didn't make it, was because of ISS. She said I would've been a good applicant. She also mentioned she had nothing to do with the decision. But who did? The teachers, but not only the teachers. The PRINCIPAL. (Oh yeah, he was promoted since I had last seen him). So did he talk to her? I don't know. But you know what killed the most? The reason written down on why I didn't  make it. "BAD CHARACTER." Hmph. So much for showing good character by turning myself in. See if I ever do that again. 

So I'm the type of girl that can NEVER make up her mind. Ever. I want one thing one second, and I change my mind the next. I always want what I can't have, and want to get rid of what I've got. I know I don't want a relationship. Right now I mean. But the guy that used to like me is interested in someone else. I don't know why, but it bothers me. And I know that I wouldn't go out with him, but it's eating at me. No, it's killing me.

Okay, so I'm exaggerating a teensy bit. But I don't know what to do with myself. I mean I want him to be happy, but, yeah.

Hmmm. Also, I guess I lied about not wanting a relationship. I also lie when I say how revolting couples are (which I say non-stop). Maybe I'm jealous. Maybe. I mean who wouldn't want the perfect relationship? I know wouldn't mind having one. Except I would. See what I mean about not being able to make up my mind?

Yeah so I recently figured out that I'm deathly afraid of relationships and commitments and what not. They're freak me out more than anything. I have a feeling thats not normal.

 Honestly, I don't believe in love. Maybe it's because I haven't experienced it yet. But I think it's because I've never ever seen it work out. Or seen it in action. Oh and more than anything, I hate when people talk about the "love at first sight" bull shit. Or when they think their long distance relationships will work. They never do. And I always want to scream at them, "It's not going to work, quit while you're ahead." If there is such a thing as love, I believe that it's a very strong feeling. Too big for words. And it takes time, a lot of time, to grow. It wont just happen after looking at someone. Isn't that basically saying that you're basing a relationship upon looks? But then again thats just coming from a hormonal sixteen year old girl. I mean how would I know anyways?

So back to my guy problem. Do I just let him be? Which would probably be, happily engrossed in a highschool relationship. Or do I act selfish and keep showing interest but never acting upon it? I don't think the second option would be fair to either of us. But I can't help but feel what I feel.

Did not go according to plan tonight.  It was orginally planned that my friends and I would get all dolled up for dinner, NOT GO TO HOMECOMING, and then crash an after party. Instead my friends decided that they DID want to go to homecoming a few days ahead of time. Kinda took me by surprise, but I was still against the idea of homecoming and would not budge. So obviously I spent my homecoming night home alone.  Again. Second time it's happened. But hey, I guess it is my own fault.
Seeing as I wasn't going to homecoming my friends thought that I should meet up with them at the after party. Well the after party didn't start till 11:30 and no one knew the directions on how to get there. My mom wanted to go to bed, so I just let it go. I didn't want to waste her time and my friend's. So instead of spending the majority of the night home alone, I'm ended up spending the whole night alone. Being the baby that I am, I crashed and kinda broke down. It's the third weekend in the row, that I've spent a night alone by myself. I'm not quite sure why it keeps happening, because it must be a coinsidence. Part of it must have something to do with my schedule.
And here I am, spilling my problems to a computer screen because I have no one else to pester my problems with.

So tomorrow I get to wake up bright and early for volleyball camp. I'll only be gone for 3 days, but I'm still kinda nervous. I was sadly put on the JV team because there wasn't enough room on varsity. Oh well, JV's funner if you ask me. It's less stressful. My new coach is what makes me kinda nervous. She's really a super nice lady, its just she gets kinda scary on the court. Ha. Well I think she's going to make a really good coach, although she is a little rough. It'll do us some good.

Today at the Busti Cider Mill we spent about 4 1/2 hours picking, clipping, peeling, and washing garlic. Not that I necessarily minded. It was pretty much easy work compared to hoeing. And I do love the smell of garlic. It's just my hands reak of it. I've scrubbed and scrubbed, I just can't get rid of the smell. And to top that off, I fear that my hair smells of it too from having to scrub shampoo into my scalp. Oh well, I'm not worried about impressing anyone in particular.  

So I experienced Warped Tour for my first time on the 24th of July at Darien Lake. I had the time of my life. I got to see some of my favorite bands and at the same time learn new ones. Interestingly enough, one of the bands that I don't especially like was my favorite show. I still don't love their music but their show was absolutely amazing. And they were all hot as hell (I got to meet them). It was so much fun and over too soon. My friend's going again in Pittsburgh which makes me insanely jealous. I would give ANYTHING to be back, even for one day. I can't wait for an entire year.

So I started my new job today. Holy cow it was so much harder than I was expecting. It's my first job ever too. I have to slave in a field for 8 hours a day, picking and hoeing and such. I'm mad at myself for not getting a normal teenage job earlier in the summer. I could've been the kid that sits in an air conditioned grocery store, sliding products over a scanner. But of course not. I'm a lazy child who puts things off such as application forms. Well there you have it.

One last complaint: There are spiders EVERWHERE. I hate spiders. Correction, I loath spiders.

Not to brag or anything, but I have a kick-ass birthmark on the side of my thigh. It's upside down lipshaped. My mother used to always tell me that is was because an angel kissed me the day I was born. It used to make me feel special. Haha. I've grown up and realized that its not true, but it makes me happy when I think about it:]

 

 

My 4th of July consisted of sitting on a lonely dock with my iPod in hand. Waiting for a text message from a certain person. It was a good spot with the exception of a few drifters from the party leaving and arriving on their nice expensive boats. No one really knew I was there, it was nice. I just wanted the whole party to disappear into thin air.  I wanted it to be my dock and my spot. I don't have a place I can go to just to get away. It was nice to just sit and stare into the ongoing wakes of water for once. Of course it didn't last forever. My sister came looking for me, ruining the moment. So I came back to the party and sat on the hammock, in the dark, by myself. It was nice there also, but at the same time much too close to the party of happy peppy old people. One lady came up to me asking what I was doing. I just stared at her with a blank look on my face. I didn't know what to say. She finally walked away shrugging. I finally got the text. It took all day. It was shit.